letting go

I was touched, moved and inspired by this video.

From darkness to light

Someone gave me a parallel Bible today, not two or more English translations, nor Greek/English, nor Hebrew/English, but Spanish and English. It's a great gift, even though I am extremely limited in my Spanish (or because I am). Anyway, I spent some time looking up familiar verses to see how they read in espanol and came across an interesting Spanish idiom. In the Christmas story in Luke 2:7, where it says "she gave birth to her firstborn, a son," the Spanish idiom would literally mean "she gave to light to her firstborn son." What a wonderful image, giving birth meaning giving to the light. A person comes out of the womb, where it is dark, and enters the light. Artists painting their portraits and still life pictures, authors writing their novels and their non-fiction works, pastors crafting their sermons-- are giving birth and their work is brought to light. And hopefully their work sheds light on their subjects. Bringing things to light is like giving birth. Coming out for gay men and lesbians is bringing something to light and something is born. (I hope my gay friends will agree with that.) That's what my journey to freedom is about in one sense, bringing things to light and giving birth to them within myself. Comments on this are welcome!

On the journey, not alone, but with friends who love me,
Chuck

Oliver! - Where Is Love

Goodbye to Daisy

Between 5:30 and 8:30 a.m. this morning my cat died. Although I will miss Daisy, I am glad she died peacefully at home rather than having to go to the vet and be "put to sleep." In her younger years, she would never sit on our laps or let anyone hold her for more than a few seconds. As time went on, she grew to enjoy sitting with us, especially with anyone who had a blanket on their lap, but she never did want to be held too long. Petted, stroked, yes, but held -- not so much. I am a little sad over this loss, but not nearly so grief-stricken as my wife and daughters for whom we got the cat and her sister twelve years ago.

I have a lot of other grieving to do, for the changes in my life which have already happened and for those changes which are in the wind. This kind of grieving will make losing the cat look like a walk in the park. I will be losing friends and gaining others. Some friends will become even closer than they are now; some may choose to distance themselves but not forsake our friendship altogether. So be it. I'm on a journey to freedom, a journey which I feel God is calling me to make.

My heart is heavy, but there is one who can lighten this load. That one is God. May you find God now.

Chuck

Serenity Prayer

I have known the Serenity Prayer since I was a child, but I have never seen it presented in such a magical way.

Radiant, Redolent, Religious and Romantic

Now what on earth could be described by all four of these alliterative words? Why candles, of course. Candles provide light, and that could be described as their main purpose and that the others are secondary to that. But candles are rarely used today solely to give light; they function as lights mainly when the electricity goes out.
DETOUR: When I have lost my way, I have needed a light, a natural light, such as a candle provides, and a supernatural light such as the God of my understanding provides.

In my house, candles are most often burned for their aroma; they come in a wide variety of scents and right now I have one burning which smells like pumpkin pie and I anticipate having one which will smell like pine -- for when I put up the artificial Christmas tree.

Long after candles were needed to read Scripture by, they have remained part of religious ceremonies. In my church, the candles are lighted before the service is properly started. To those present, the candles represent the light of Christ, and the acolyte carries that light into the church at the beginning of the service and carries it into the world at the end.

What made me ponder candles, however, is their use at the World AIDS Day Service. It is so fraught with meaning to light candles to remember someone, in honor of, or as a prayer for someone. And the sight of so many people carrying candles down Rehoboth Avenue to Baltimore Avenue to Epworth UMC was moving beyond words. Seeing so many folks holding candles is like a picture of what heaven is like.

And of course, candles are used to foster romance. Is there anything more romantic than a dinner for two by candlelight? Sigh.

I love candles. They're a great help on the journey.

Chuck

Longing for Intimacy

I am free now to share myself with others, free to withhold information when necessary, and free to disclose myself to whomever I will. On my journey to freedom, I am looking for someone with whom I can be totally honest, with whom I can share my whole self, without fear of rejection or ridicule. Someone with whom I can be totally naked and unashamed.
DETOUR: You won't find any gratuitous nudity on my blog!
I think what I am looking for is intimacy, something which I have wanted, but also feared and run from. Like so many others. [Just when I thought I was unique and special. Damn!] Now I am ready for it!

Because the journey is meant to be shared,
Chuck

Larry Kert sings Something's Coming West Side Story

This song expresses how I feel right now! Something is coming for me! Give a listen to the original Tony from West Side Story.

Breaking Free of One or Two of My Chains

I have trouble accepting compliments because I struggle with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Outwardly, I simply say "thank you" when someone tells me I've done a good job, but inwardly I think to myself, "They're easily impressed," or, more often, "but if they knew the real me, they'd never have anything to do with me again."
Over the past couple of years, I've begun to really let those compliments in and understand in a real way that people do care about me and that they're not all just being polite about it. And I know that so much of the darkness is in my head. My inward journey shows both good and not-so-good within me, which makes me ...normal.
DETOUR: From The Fantastiks: Girl: Please, God, don't let me be normal!
I can now accept that even people who know me well can accept me, like me, and even love me. That is one chain broken, one bit of fog which has lifted. Thanks to my friends who are really my friends.
And thanks be to God; may you find God now.


On the road to freedom,
Chuck

In a Fog?

As I was driving my daughter to school this morning it was quite foggy outside. I had to turn my headlights on in order to see and be seen; I didn't want to have any accidents with my precious cargo inside my car. And I was aware of many people I would see later who would have traveled many more miles than I had in the dense fog. I suppose that would be true both literally and figuratively.

Fog can be quite thick in some place on the road and not quite as dense in other spots. I believe that is exactly like my journey to freedom. There will be times when the road is completely clear: no fog, no rain, no snow, no roadblocks whatsoever. At other times, it will be completely dark, with clouds hiding the moon as well as the stars. At those times, I will need to call on the Source of all Light.

As I journey to freedom, I am grappling with my Christian faith, theology and identity. Will I abandon my lifelong faith? Doubtful. But I do know that my faith is already evolving from what it was 25 years ago, and even from what it was 11 years ago; I just cannot hold on to some of my former beliefs. And to be free, I must be free to express my new beliefs; I can no longer pretend that I believe things I don't truly believe, just so people will think well of me. I am not on a free fall from faith, thought some may believe that, for I do know God is a God of love for all people and God will not abandon me.

On the journey to be free,
Chuck

Freedom--Part 1

Music: "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." --sung by Janis Joplin, penned by Kris Kristofferson.
I just can't get that song out of my head, even though I don't really agree with the sentiment expressed. I have a lot to lose in my search for freedom, but I see how much I stand to gain by being free instead of being in shackles, being bound by other people's expectations and by my own fear of...dying? abandonment?

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

These are the most haunting words that Jesus spoke on the cross. Was Jesus really abandoned by God in that hour of great darkness, despair and destruction? I really don't mean to make this post a theological treatise, though some future posts undoubtedly will be; I just need to point out that Jesus was alone on the cross, and that his disciples had abandoned him for their safety. As a follower of Jesus, if I can claim that for myself, I need to be willing to face the same abandonment and death as he experienced. Gulp.

My search for freedom will be greatly assisted by my being open and honest with those around me, while still maintaining healthy boundaries. I seek truth, for "the truth shall set you free." --Jesus of Nazareth.

On the road to Freedom,

Chuck

Light

I have been sitting in the darkness for far too long now and those things have been my problem: sitting and darkness. Sitting is a huge problem, for I have not taken action on some of the things I say I value. I've been staying still -- not good. And in the dark, I can't see what's around me.
I have been in a dreary spot for too long and I'm ready for some changes.

Detour: OK, there have been bright spots in my life, but I do believe my life could have been better if I had taken this journey earlier.

So I have a candle and I can survey my dark house with the light of the candle. I can see the living room, the dining room, the kitchen the basement, the bedrooms, the bathrooms and the closets. I leave to your imagination which room is my favorite, but I hereby declare that the closets are my least favorite space -- very cramped.

If I go outside, will the wind blow out my candle? Perhaps. But I have confidence that if that should happen, someone will help me light it again. I could stay inside, safe [but stifled]. but I do want to journey to freedom, so I must leave this house. Perhaps a lantern is what I need. Or a torch, especially of the British variety. A journey implies leaving the safety of home. And I need a light for my path, a light God will provide in many different ways.

On the journey to freedom,
Chuck

All Saints Sunday

My church celebrated All Saints Sunday today. The premise of the celebration is that all believers are saints since that is how Paul referred to them in his letters. So saints include those who are alive as well as those who have gone before -- and those who are yet to come. This does not mean that there have not been those whose lives are worth emulation, who have lived in a way we would like to imitate in some fashion. Most of us have such heroes in/for our lives.

Currently the folks who are my heroes, my saints include people who aren't Christians. Did I just hear someone gasp? Yes indeed, there are those whom I admire, whose advice I follow, who friendship I value, who do not claim to be Christian, who were not raised as Christians, and who I think will never become Christians. I'm never going to invite them to change their religion; they're happy with God as they understand God. I just don't believe they're headed to hell. Maybe I am because I don't try to convert them, but I don't think that's true either. I don't mind sharing my spiritual journey with them, but I feel just as strengthened by their spirituality as I would hope they would be strengthened by mine.

They are my heroes, my friends for many reasons, one of which is that they know me inside out and still consider me their friend. So they're more like family. MUSICAL QUEUE: "We are family..."
And on that note, I will bid you adieu.

wicked defying gravity

Courage

For too long I have been like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz afraid of my own shadow, afraid of what others will think of me, afraid of...
Of course, there's nothing wrong with fear,FDR not withstanding, it does serve a useful, evolutionary purpose. I am not sure I will ever be unafraid, but what I do hope to have (and have had in ways I [and others] often overlook) is COURAGE. Let me remind you that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting, taking action, in spite of fear. Too often, I have taken the easy way out or the path of least resistance. I have found inspiration in places where those I have called friends would see only trouble and heresy and deviancy and well, you get the point. I have new friends now. Those who were truly my friends in the past will continue to be my friends today -- even if we disagree on issues of great importance. But at least they will begin to see what I really believe and who I really am.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE
"Nobody in all of Oz no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down." Defying Gravity from the Broadway musical, Wicked

I am pulling off masks and hoping for the best.

I am questioning my beliefs; and I know such questioning causes problems for some. I cannot help asking the questions and I get the most help by putting them out there instead of seekng all alone.

Still on the journey to Freedom -- for myself, for all God's children.

Chuck

Happy Halloween

I remember going trick-or-treating with my brother (with my father watching us from a distance) and waiting for folks to guess who we were before they would give us the candy we were so desperate for. One year a neighbor boy who shared my name came to a house the same time as my brother and I The woman at the door, handing out candy, guessed his name, but I thought she meant me, so I pulled my mask off, which really ticked off my brother because once I was revealed, he was too.

I'm still wearing masks, but not ones I can pull off my face so easily. The masks I wear these days aren't made of latex or plastic, but they are made in my head as I try to be who I imagine others want me to be. There's no wholeness there. In the Fantastiks, El Gallo (the Narrator) says we should always keep our masks on, but I disagree.

The first stop on this journey to Freedom is a place where I can take off my masks.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE: Who am I anyway, Am I my resume? That is a picture of a person I don't know...(A Chorus Line)

The first mask, of many, is to take off the religious mask, that is the conservative, nearly fundamentalist mask formed when I was in college and seminary. Throughout the past thirty-two years I have thought my interests were best served by wearing this mask, but I have always been conflicted about this. I don't believe everything taught by conservatives
My compassion has made me question a lot of things. Just two for the moment: Can a loving God condemn people to hell because they don't know Jesus Christ, and they've never had a real opportunity to meet him? Can God send gay men and lesbians to hell because they love persons of the same gender? It made me sick to think of the God of love doing that; God would not be a loving God at all, nor would such a God be worthy of worship.

Enough for the moment.
Enjoy the day. It's all we have -- for now.

Journey with me

My journey is about Freedom; therefore I cannot predict exactly where this road is going to take me and those who choose to come with me (that is, sharing my thoughts, pains and joys, my love and my laughter, along with my tears).
WARNING: The road will not be easy as I challenge myself and ask questions and provide few, if any, definitive answers. I invite dialogue, as that is the way to move beyond myself and my myopia.
DETOUR -- I wear bifocals, which means I am both far-sighted and near-sighted. In some ways aren't we all far and near-sighted, depending on the situation.
This brief message is but a beginning. Come soar with me to new heights, or plummet to deeper valleys. Explore with me; life is better shared with others.