Larry Kert sings Something's Coming West Side Story

This song expresses how I feel right now! Something is coming for me! Give a listen to the original Tony from West Side Story.

Breaking Free of One or Two of My Chains

I have trouble accepting compliments because I struggle with self-acceptance and self-esteem. Outwardly, I simply say "thank you" when someone tells me I've done a good job, but inwardly I think to myself, "They're easily impressed," or, more often, "but if they knew the real me, they'd never have anything to do with me again."
Over the past couple of years, I've begun to really let those compliments in and understand in a real way that people do care about me and that they're not all just being polite about it. And I know that so much of the darkness is in my head. My inward journey shows both good and not-so-good within me, which makes me ...normal.
DETOUR: From The Fantastiks: Girl: Please, God, don't let me be normal!
I can now accept that even people who know me well can accept me, like me, and even love me. That is one chain broken, one bit of fog which has lifted. Thanks to my friends who are really my friends.
And thanks be to God; may you find God now.


On the road to freedom,
Chuck

In a Fog?

As I was driving my daughter to school this morning it was quite foggy outside. I had to turn my headlights on in order to see and be seen; I didn't want to have any accidents with my precious cargo inside my car. And I was aware of many people I would see later who would have traveled many more miles than I had in the dense fog. I suppose that would be true both literally and figuratively.

Fog can be quite thick in some place on the road and not quite as dense in other spots. I believe that is exactly like my journey to freedom. There will be times when the road is completely clear: no fog, no rain, no snow, no roadblocks whatsoever. At other times, it will be completely dark, with clouds hiding the moon as well as the stars. At those times, I will need to call on the Source of all Light.

As I journey to freedom, I am grappling with my Christian faith, theology and identity. Will I abandon my lifelong faith? Doubtful. But I do know that my faith is already evolving from what it was 25 years ago, and even from what it was 11 years ago; I just cannot hold on to some of my former beliefs. And to be free, I must be free to express my new beliefs; I can no longer pretend that I believe things I don't truly believe, just so people will think well of me. I am not on a free fall from faith, thought some may believe that, for I do know God is a God of love for all people and God will not abandon me.

On the journey to be free,
Chuck

Freedom--Part 1

Music: "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." --sung by Janis Joplin, penned by Kris Kristofferson.
I just can't get that song out of my head, even though I don't really agree with the sentiment expressed. I have a lot to lose in my search for freedom, but I see how much I stand to gain by being free instead of being in shackles, being bound by other people's expectations and by my own fear of...dying? abandonment?

"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

These are the most haunting words that Jesus spoke on the cross. Was Jesus really abandoned by God in that hour of great darkness, despair and destruction? I really don't mean to make this post a theological treatise, though some future posts undoubtedly will be; I just need to point out that Jesus was alone on the cross, and that his disciples had abandoned him for their safety. As a follower of Jesus, if I can claim that for myself, I need to be willing to face the same abandonment and death as he experienced. Gulp.

My search for freedom will be greatly assisted by my being open and honest with those around me, while still maintaining healthy boundaries. I seek truth, for "the truth shall set you free." --Jesus of Nazareth.

On the road to Freedom,

Chuck

Light

I have been sitting in the darkness for far too long now and those things have been my problem: sitting and darkness. Sitting is a huge problem, for I have not taken action on some of the things I say I value. I've been staying still -- not good. And in the dark, I can't see what's around me.
I have been in a dreary spot for too long and I'm ready for some changes.

Detour: OK, there have been bright spots in my life, but I do believe my life could have been better if I had taken this journey earlier.

So I have a candle and I can survey my dark house with the light of the candle. I can see the living room, the dining room, the kitchen the basement, the bedrooms, the bathrooms and the closets. I leave to your imagination which room is my favorite, but I hereby declare that the closets are my least favorite space -- very cramped.

If I go outside, will the wind blow out my candle? Perhaps. But I have confidence that if that should happen, someone will help me light it again. I could stay inside, safe [but stifled]. but I do want to journey to freedom, so I must leave this house. Perhaps a lantern is what I need. Or a torch, especially of the British variety. A journey implies leaving the safety of home. And I need a light for my path, a light God will provide in many different ways.

On the journey to freedom,
Chuck

All Saints Sunday

My church celebrated All Saints Sunday today. The premise of the celebration is that all believers are saints since that is how Paul referred to them in his letters. So saints include those who are alive as well as those who have gone before -- and those who are yet to come. This does not mean that there have not been those whose lives are worth emulation, who have lived in a way we would like to imitate in some fashion. Most of us have such heroes in/for our lives.

Currently the folks who are my heroes, my saints include people who aren't Christians. Did I just hear someone gasp? Yes indeed, there are those whom I admire, whose advice I follow, who friendship I value, who do not claim to be Christian, who were not raised as Christians, and who I think will never become Christians. I'm never going to invite them to change their religion; they're happy with God as they understand God. I just don't believe they're headed to hell. Maybe I am because I don't try to convert them, but I don't think that's true either. I don't mind sharing my spiritual journey with them, but I feel just as strengthened by their spirituality as I would hope they would be strengthened by mine.

They are my heroes, my friends for many reasons, one of which is that they know me inside out and still consider me their friend. So they're more like family. MUSICAL QUEUE: "We are family..."
And on that note, I will bid you adieu.

wicked defying gravity

Courage

For too long I have been like the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz afraid of my own shadow, afraid of what others will think of me, afraid of...
Of course, there's nothing wrong with fear,FDR not withstanding, it does serve a useful, evolutionary purpose. I am not sure I will ever be unafraid, but what I do hope to have (and have had in ways I [and others] often overlook) is COURAGE. Let me remind you that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting, taking action, in spite of fear. Too often, I have taken the easy way out or the path of least resistance. I have found inspiration in places where those I have called friends would see only trouble and heresy and deviancy and well, you get the point. I have new friends now. Those who were truly my friends in the past will continue to be my friends today -- even if we disagree on issues of great importance. But at least they will begin to see what I really believe and who I really am.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE
"Nobody in all of Oz no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down." Defying Gravity from the Broadway musical, Wicked

I am pulling off masks and hoping for the best.

I am questioning my beliefs; and I know such questioning causes problems for some. I cannot help asking the questions and I get the most help by putting them out there instead of seekng all alone.

Still on the journey to Freedom -- for myself, for all God's children.

Chuck