Loneliness

"Who am I lonely for? God? Myself? Other people?"

OK, I'm holding on tight, closing my eyes, gritting my teeth, ready to see what happens with this new revelation: I am lonely. And I am going to reflect on what I am lonely for. The above quotation comes from a book of meditations that I use daily and it jumped out at me yesterday because I had never considered that I could be lonely for myself.

MUSICAL INTERLUDE: "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do." -- Three Dog Night

First, I can be lonely in a crowd. That's something which I believe most people can identify with. You're in a theater by yourself, but despite the large group of people sitting around you, you still feel lonely. That can happen sometimes.

I can also feel lonely in a small group of people who are my friends or colleagues; when I disagree with the rest of the group on whatever topic might be at hand, I will feel absolutely isolated. But I can still feel lonely in groups when I agree with everything everyone is saying.
However, in a small group of friends, and one on one, I rarely, if ever, feel lonely.

Next, I do feel lonely for God. Because of my training, because of wrong-headed beliefs taught to me by well-meaning people, I sometimes feel like my very existence is an abomination to God. Don't get me wrong -- I don't spend a lot of time in that space, but from time to time it bubbles up.

I am also lonely for myself. Having lived for others, having put the needs of others before my own, I have lost sight of who I am. I have let others define who I am and I have lost myself in the process. In order to be free, I must reclaim the values which are mine and proclaim them to whoever is willing to listen. Far too often I have been a chameleon, letting people think I agree with their ideas, simply by keeping silent. No more. Now is the time for me to speak what I know is true and let others love me for it, or despise me for it. There will be enough people who will love me for it to have new friends, perhaps even a new family.

Go in peace, for God is with you and God is the source of our Freedom.

Chuck